To the left, please find the logo for Michaels, a nationwide arts & crafts store. Below the logo is Michaels' apparent slogan, "Imaginate."

Brilliant combination of words, or horrendous bastardization of the english language?

Discuss.

Neil Diamond's "I Am...I Said"

Can I Relate To This Song? is a feature I hope to continue weekly, in which I examine the lyrics to a popular song from the past or present, and see if I can relate to it. For the inaugural edition, I present Neil Diamond's "I Am...I Said":

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time (All of the time, Neil. It's called a 'drought.')

And the feeling is 'lay back'

Palm trees grow, and rents are low (Would you call $770/mo + utilities 'low' for 134 sq feet of space?)

But you know I keep thinkin' about

Making my way back (hey, me too. That's going to be on my mind until I go back...and then I'm sure I will second guess my decision to move back for the rest of eternity.)

Well I'm New York City born and raised (If, by NYC, you mean Poughkeepsie NY, then yes, this pertains to me too)

But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores

L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home (true)

New York's home, but it ain't mine no more (um, is NY anyone's? I think it's mine as much as it is anyone elses')

"I am," I said (hey, I am, as well. Most people 'are,' in an existential way)

To no one there (I talk to myself all the time)

An no one heard at all

Not even the chair (Neil, chairs can't hear. They are inatimate. Except for Chairry, that is)

"I am," I cried

"I am," said I

And I am lost, and I can't even say why (I know exactly where I am, literally. Figuratively...well, who knows)

Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king

And then became one (Yes, I have)

Well except for the names and a few other changes

If you talk about me, the story's the same one (really? are you a wizard? Where did you learn transfiguration, Neil?)

But I got an emptiness deep inside

And I've tried, but it won't let me go

And I'm not a man who likes to swear (Meanwhile, I fucking LOVE swearing...and then he doesn't even swear!)

But I never cared for the sound of being alone (Note to self: Neil Diamond is the polar opposite of JD Salinger)

"I am," I said

To no one there

An no one heard at all

Not even the chair

"I am," I cried

"I am," said I

And I am lost, and I can't even say why

Leavin' me lonely still (Maybe you're lonely because you keep whining about it...just a thought)

(copyright 1971 Prophet Music, Inc.)

On a scale of 1-10, I would rate this a solid 9. If it weren't for Neil's apparent ability to turn from a frog into a human, I would have awarded it a perfect score. So close.

Logical or Crazy?

I just finished obtaining (for lack of a better word) a plane ticket from LAX to Newark International using my grandmother's frequent flyer miles (thanks, Grandma!). To obtain the ticket for the 5,568 mile round-trip flight (I google mapped it), I had to use 37,500 miles. That's roughly 6.75 times the actual mileage of the trip.

Here's my suggestion: Instead of giving out 1 frequent flier mile for every mile flown, airlines should give out a corresponding number of frequent flyer feet. If the above situation is standard, that means that a person should earn 782 frequent flier feet for every mile flown. That way, it would actually cost 5,568 frequent flier miles to fly from LAX to Newark.

Currently Pondering...

Why were there so many Duck-themed shows on television while I was growing up?

Darkwing Duck
DuckTales
Count Duckula

...and those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. What was going on in the world circa 1991 that made ducks the focus of so many cartoonists?

The Most Annoying Noise in the World

While growing up, my parents were very strict with my siblings and me. 'No elbows on the table,' 'No chewing with your mouth open,' and 'No talking with your mouth full' were common reprimands around the dinner table. Yes, my family ate dinner together 99% of the time. This probably helped me cultivate a talent that not many of my friends share - the ability to remove food from a utensil without dragging my teeth on the surface of said utensil.

This, for me, has become the most aggravating and infuriating sound in the world. Unfortunately, it's also an incredibly prevalent problem among young adults.

I ask you this seriously: Is it that hard to use your lips to remove food from your fork? Doesn't the constant chomping on metal lead to higher dental bills? Can you not hear the sound you are making?

Perhaps this specific offense is evidence of a larger relaxation of societal rules. If you click back a few decades (hell, a few years), there was a whole industry set up to define what constituted correct behavior. Emily Post made a fortune telling readers where to place their napkin, what fork to use when, and how to write a heartfelt thank you note. Now, Mrs. Post's great-granddaughter-in-law (no joke), Peggy Post, is continuing the family tradition by writing about such mind-numbingly stupid topics as how to ask for donations at the office and how to handle someone showing up to your house with their unannounced dog in tow. It's no wonder people are chomping on their forks, when our etiquette leaders are bogged down with ridiculous issues like those.

All I am trying to say is this: If you're eating in front of me, don't drag your teeth on your utensils. If you do, you can rest assured that that's all I can hear, and I am doing EVERYTHING I CAN to stop myself from reaching across the table, grabbing the fork from your offending mouth, and stabbing you through the eye with it. Literally, this is my reaction every time.

Thank you in advance for your compliance.

Note: I do not claim to have impeccable manners. I burp, I often talk with food in my mouth (although, in my defense, never with my mouth FULL, and I'm never in danger of being misunderstood or having food acutally fall out of my mouth as a result), I'm too blunt, etc etc. There's no need to tell me. I already know.

Further Reading:

Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door by Lynne Truss

Following the Crowd...

So...this blog is brand new. If you've found it, congratulations. I'll try to be as curmudgeonly entertaining as possible (new idea for blog post: is curmudgeonly a word?).